Firefighters: Let’s Discuss

I hold nothing against Firefighters.

I don’t know why anyone would. I don’t believe that’s a prejudice that exists. If you hold anything against firefighters specifically, please comment your reasoning below, and avoid calendars, as they tend to have risqué photos of firefighters. I’d say about 90% of calendars feature at least one half naked firefighter. It’s a Union thing.

They barely made it out alive.

As we all know, firefighters are the brave souls who save our pets from burning buildings.

Today I’d like to discuss firefighters and firefighter’s accessories. So, much like North Korea’s missile program, strap in and prepare for lift off, only to inevitably be let down.

fire extinguisher.jpg
Not whipped cream

This is a fire extinguisher. As you can assume from its name, it’s main purpose is to extinguish fires, according to Wikipedia anyway. If you were in the market for a fire extinguisher, you’d notice a striking similarity between the available stock: they’re red.

house on fire
“Okay, trace your steps…” – That Asshole Gary

All of them, red. Who in the world chose the color red? If the firefighter drops the extinguisher, wouldn’t it blend in with the flames? How many houses have burnt down because that clumsy asshole Gary keeps dropping the fricken extinguisher?

Axes; It’s the thing people use to chop up wood and/or their parents. According to my assumptions, firefighters utilize axes to break down wooden barriers. Unfortunately they do not use them to break down cultural barriers.

CIRCA 1688, the first Fireman’s pole was a huge failure.

Our society seems to have a fascination with poles. Whether it be used to slide down for a fire, or slide down for a dollar, America loves its poles. Firemen utilize poles in order to get to the fire as quickly as possible. From humble beginnings, this

Poor bastard didn’t stand a chance.

playground favorite is still in use today.

Dogs are man’s best friend, #friendzoned. There are many different types of dogs, and a baker’s dozen are relatively decent, and half of the decent ones are variations of Labrador. A fireman’s go to choice is of course the Dalmatian. If you’re unfamiliar with the Dalmatian, imagine a dog dressed as a cow that occasionally mauls people.

So in conclusion, Lizzy Borden may have been training to fight fires but, unfortunately, she had terrible aim.


  1. What in the hell did I just read? It’s like, one of those books or somethin that folk use to educate themselves. Only I don’t feel much educated. Is this Fake news? Or is it the truth? I feel very uncomfortable about such an article, but I don’t very much like the thought of safe spaces. #Texas#ConcernedCitizen

    Liked by 1 person

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